It’s taken me a long time to realize what I am really worth. I still sell myself way too short and don't give myself nearly enough credit for what I have accomplished in this life. I always manage to make myself accessible to the people who don't deserve my time and who fall way too low on my level of expectations. The other day I saw a quote and shared it on Instagram that read “When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.” I have always been big on quotes. It's literally what got me into making all my wish bracelets because it always felt to me like I gave those charms a title and a meaning by attaching them with words that meant something so big to me. This quote in particular I feel like I need to create my own special charm and wish bracelet to remind me of how true it really is. I tend to get caught up in moments of my life where I am giving people way too much credit than they actually deserve and forget about my own heart and how big it is and how many times it has been broken.
I wrote the other day about how we had found out the news that we would have to move. What I failed to mention is a few short days before that I had gotten my daughter a cat. Now where we live it's no easy feat to find a place to live that has enough bedrooms and allows a dog (Lulu is my 8 year old shelter baby) let alone a dog and a cat for an affordable price. It immediately made me feel that this cat could not be in my life forever. I was going to have to figure out how I would find it a new home and a new life and I could not for any reason allow myself to love it, because I would have to release it from my life and give it a new one. I realize that nothing in this life is forever. There are no guarantees and everything we love will someday be gone. What I hadn't noticed about myself is how much I was doing this in my own life because I am always afraid of losing things that I love.
Once we had found the next place we would call our own and I had heard the news that Tyler Grey (this is the name my daughter gave the cat, it's adorable I know) I found myself snuggling with this little guy and starting to open my heart up to him. I had spent a week or more, as an animal lover, really not paying much attention to him because well why was I going to allow myself to love something that I didn't know was going to be mine? It sounds silly but it made me realize that this is exactly what I do in relationships or with connections that I feel with people because of the fear of not knowing what lies ahead. I push, I make excuses and I literally will sabotage any situation that I am not 100% confident is going to end the way I want it to. I end up building walls and making it nearly impossible for people to break them down because I would rather protect myself than have to have another heartache. I keep the ones I know aren't going anywhere close and anyone I have a shatter of a doubt about I do whatever I can to keep them at a distance.
The quote that I talked about hit me in a way that made me realize that as much as I may push people away that good people still stay and will find a way to break down those walls if they really want to. Nothing that is worth it comes easy and nothing that is meant to be is worth chasing. Yes, rereading that I realize that what I am saying sounds like I am asking someone to chase me when I am putting up walls but what I'm really asking and looking for is someone who doesn't ever give up the fight. We are all a little wounded inside from whatever we have endured in our lifetime and all any of us is really looking for is someone to see that in us and be there. And when they are not, it's ok. They didn't see the light in you and they don't want to stick around to wait until it's going to sparkle again.
I, like everyone else, am a little broken inside. I have history and hurt in my heart and baggage in my life and it's always going to be there but I am freaking fabulous. I have a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone who felt like they deserved it. I know now looking back on my life that I have these walls and am so much more aware of how big I have let them get that it made me dig a little deeper into myself and reflect more than I really chose to. It’s also made me aware that there are people out there that are literally only there when it's convenient to them and not when you need them the most. This realization has been a hard one for me to come to but also a huge lesson for me to learn. We are all a little selfish at times and everyone has their own struggle but me, I am a person who is always forcing myself to be more aware that I am not the only one who is going through something and the ones that matter to me know that I am there when life is not going the way they had planned. The tough lesson of it all is that the ones that are not there for you when you need them are the ones that you need to learn to let go of to make room for the ones that will. Everyone is worth fighting for and everyone deserves to be loved the way that they chose to be. No one should settle for less than what they want and knowing what you want takes a lot of time and effort on your own part to figure out. I'm 35 years old, two kids later and on my way through a divorce and have started to finally figure out what I am looking for in another person to make me feel like I am not giving more than I am getting in return. Letting myself fall for people who dont care the way I do but recognize that it's not due to lack of myself but because I guess maybe they just weren't cut out for the hard days and had more fun in the good. Tough thing is, this life has a lot more hard days than any of us ever really realize, and it's hard to do it alone. Giving all of yourself to someone who doesn't actually care though is worse than facing it all on your own.
That little sparkle that we all have is bright and it's inside everyone and if we keep building walls and pushing people away no one is ever going to see it. Allowing yourself to feel and even get a little hurt along the way is all part of the process and when they show you that they don't really care, you better believe them.
-XO
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