To the girl who gets him next. I hope you know that I don’t hate you. I am not mad at you for falling for my ex. I understand completely, because I too fell for him at one time. He told me all the things I wanted to hear and promised me a life that sounded exactly like what I had dreamed of. He gave me hope for a happy future, and I'm sure he gives you that too. He's not all bad, how could he be? After all, I did marry him and have two kids with him, right? I didn't do that for nothing. The thing about having kids with someone you're no longer in a relationship with is, deep down you don’t wish for them to be alone forever, and maybe you have kids too and you get this but what you do fear is that they pick a good one. Someone who is kind and caring and understands that there are two little broken kids that came from two people who no longer love each other the way they once did. They may not like you at first, and hey maybe they will and sometimes that will sting in a way for me that I can’t really explain but if you too have kids you will understand. And if you don’t let me, tell you first, it's not a popularity contest, and children’s minds and lives are not to be fucked with. If you're a good person, no matter what, they will like you because they are good people and it will be hard for them not to. My ex and I are going to fight and say things to each other and you're going to hear his side of the story. Don’t let him make you hate me because I was you once too, remember? Things in our marriage didn't go the way we had planned and we all did things for that marriage to end. I am not the villain, and what you see is a wounded man but let me tell you first that I was once the wounded one in that marriage and when someone hurts my heart I tend to act out and do things that I am not always proud of for revenge. I am human, and I have made mistakes. It's hard for two people to split up and try to walk through the days to follow and co-parent two little kids when deep down they are so mad at the person that helped give those people life. Some of us are mature about these situations and some of us aren't, it really just depends on the day, but the most important thing is that there are two little kids that are always affected by all of this.
You see, I'm not mad at you. I am a very realistic person, and as much as it upsets me that my life didn't work out as I planned for it too, I actually do want what's best for my ex and our family. Knowing that there will one day be another set of hands to help with these kids and be there to cheer them on and watch them grow makes my heart happy. I want nothing more than for them to have a life that is full of loving people. It's not going to be easy and there are going to be a lot of uncomfortable situations. I will try my best to be as welcoming as I can but understand I too have bad days and this transition is hard for me, I am human. The one thing I do want you to know though, is I have your back. Let’s not forget, I was you once. I fell for the guy who told me all the things I wanted to hear. I was not his first and I walked into a similar situation with a child who belonged to another woman. I wanted a family and this man to be in my life forever because he seemed like he could be the perfect fit for me. I want you to know though I will not be upset if you wake up one day and realize he isn't the perfect fit for you either. If he starts to make you feel anything less than the best version of yourself, know that I won't be upset if you leave him and the children that you have met because of him. I want you to know that I did not give up a perfectly good man that I made children with for nothing. I also want you to know that I do hope that someone out there will change this man and make him better, because I tried and I could not. I tried to make him better and would have done anything to keep my family whole but I chose me and my kids and our happiness first. I want you to do the same. My kids don’t want to live in a house with another woman who isn’t their mom and listen to their dad talk down to her, they see that enough with me. My children do not want to grow up in a house where they can’t believe in love and marriage and equal respect for one another. This world is tough enough and going to make them question a million and one things as it is.
I don’t think your stupid for falling for my ex, I too am a very hopeful person and I always see the good in everyone, just like I see it in you. I will try to always say nice things about you and I will, believe it or not, pray for you to be the one to change my ex and make him better. In the beginning it's going to be hard and awkward at times but I will never be the woman at the other end of the soccer field giving you dirty looks, or whispering behind your back. I'm not that woman, and you shouldn’t be either, because remember I was once you too.
To the girl who gets him next, just remember this, you deserve to be treated with respect. You have found yourself a man who makes you smile but if he stops making you smile you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on going. We will never be competing with each other and you need to know that my communication with my ex is because we have children together. We have an extremely difficult time communicating with each other and the last thing we need for the sake of our kids is another reason to fight. Please don’t be that reason. I will never try to take him from you, I am done with him he does not belong to me anymore. I don’t know if we will ever be the type of woman who will go out for dinner or Christmas shopping for the kids, but I'm hopeful and if you’re going into this without that same amount of hope then you should probably turn around and head for the door because I'm never going anywhere, and neither are these kids. I hope you change him; I hope he treats you better than he treated me. I hope he never gives you a reason to cry or a reason to get revenge, his heart has been hurt too and revenge is not always the answer, take it from me. I hope you don’t think I threw away a perfectly good man. I hope you know that I am not a stupid woman, because I don’t think you are for falling for him. I just want you to know that I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere and I get it. I get it if you stay in our lives forever and I also get it if you choose to leave. This whole divorce, having kids, co-parent, dating world is not a picnic, and you may have gone through it before too and you so you get it. Just know that if you're a good person and your intentions are good, we can’t help but to like you, the kids and I are good people too so it's going to be hard for you not to like us. Remember he didn't leave me, I left him and he does not belong to me anymore but we do have to walk through life together for the sake of our kids. Don’t let him make you think less of yourself or make you question your worth. He’s a good guy, he may be a little lost or heartbroken but I have hope that he can find himself someone good and have a healthy relationship someday.
I hope you know I don’t hate you. I'm happy that you're here. When my kids come home one day and tell me about Daddy’s new girlfriend and have smiles on their faces, it will sting a little. It's going to be hard to share them with you but I want them to love you. I want to love you too. Maybe I’m crazy to think it can all be like that someday, but I am hopeful, and I hope you are too. I believe in happy endings and happily ever after, and just because my ex didn’t give that to me doesn't mean he can't give it to you. After all I also believe in miracles.
-XO
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