Today is hard. Yesterday was hard and the day before that was hard too. I don't know if it's because I don't allow myself to feel as often as I should or if it's because I'm run down and lost but it's hard. I feel like mentally I am drained and physically I ache. I question each and every decision I have made in my life and wonder if any of them were the right choices and whether or not any of it even makes any sense anymore. Celebrating Mothers Day this year made my heart ache. I ached for people who lost their Mom. I ached for not physically being able to hug my Mom on the day even though she is alive and well and I ached for my kids because I was not the best Mom that I should have been on this day. I was lost, I was empty and I was confused by every decision and choice I have made in my life leading me to the very moment that I am in right now. I can pretend like I have it all together and am so strong for such a very long time but inside I am drowning. Why do we take things that hurt us so deeply and push them away to a place where we don't have to feel them for such a long time and then wait for them to literally erupt inside of us and make our entire bodies ache with grief, sadness, emptiness and regret. Why does life have to be so hard and so confusing and lonely in all the moments that we need people the most?
The expectations that I have set for the life that I had pictured for myself have not met the reality at which I am living. I like to paint this picture for people that I am together and have fun and am a good time Charlie and inside I am literally this sad girl who just wishes someone would tell her what the next move is and how to make it alright again. Why is there no book of our life and why are we not able to read the pages ahead to know what to expect and how to prepare ourselves for what we will eventually be faced with and how we are supposed to feel? Why do we have to have hard days?
This world that we live in doesn't make these days any easier. Social media posts the happy lives that we see everyone living. They make the hard days that we are suffering through seem that much harder and difficult to navigate through. The brunches, the beautiful gifts that were received, the happy photos that were taken and posted for the world to see. What about the people who didn't post the pictures? What about the people who had to try and make the day just bearable enough to get through. What about my friend who lost her Mom and doesn’t even know how she is going to go on another day knowing that she is never going to hear her voice again? What about the Mother who questions every single thing she does and how she handles every scenario that is thrown her way? What about the people who had the hard days and never posted about it?
Today I was sad. I was not happy. I do not feel okay and I do not feel tough and confident in any of the decisions that I have made in my life. I feel defeated and lonely and like everything I have done and said is just one big bad dream and I don't know how ro wake myself up. I have suffered from this feeling of being alone for as long as I can remember. When I was in my early 20’s my parents moved away. They have always been there for me and continue to support me through every decision that I have made in my life but it still left me with an empty feeling inside. My heart ached and I have wondered since the day they left if I was supposed to be in that uhaul with them. I have "hated" them for not being there to run to in a moment's notice to lay on their couch anc cry or just feel safe and protected by their love. I have felt abandoned, lost , confused and mostly lonely for such a very long time. I do not blame anyone for these feelings that I have experienced although I have tried to blame each and every person I possibly could for why I feel what I feel inside and none of it has ever done me any good. It has forced me to be strong and independent and some days I just don't feel like wearing that hat anymore and I just want to cry and feel lonely and sad.I choose to distract myself with activities and people to stop myself from feeling and ever really allowing myself to be sad because it scares the shit out of me and I wonder if i'm ever going to feel anything else but lonely and sad. I have searched for relationships to make me feel better and even motherhood to fill this gap that sits inside my chest and none of it is making any sense or taking away the pain that I feel inside. I have sabotaged relationships and done everything in my power to push people away when I needed them the most. Some days I sit with myself and feel like I have no one there to hug me and make me feel better. My children were naughty and they didn't listen to me inside the store, no one cooked me a mothers day feast or took me to brunch. There were gifts and flowers and all the post worthy things were there to share but the feeling inside was not. Instead I longed for a feeling that I didn't even know I missed as much as I did today.
I feel selfish feeling what I feel right now because like I said I know there are people who are suffering such a greater loss than I am and yet I couldn't even sit and enjoy the day with my two kids. I couldn't sit and play. I couldn't stay off my phone and I didnt want to be alone with them because I longed for something more. Instead of living for the now the very moment and trying to make the best of it all I could think about is what it was before and how it used to be. Instead of making new memories I just longed for ones that seemed so out of reach and a million miles away. I have let people tell me how I am supposed to live and feel and I start to believe it all when really all I am some days is just sad and lonely inside. I let myself think that I missed something that no longer served me because it was the last thing that felt like family to me. I cried for my kids and the feelings that they must feel not having their mom and dad living in the same loving house. I am holding on to something I no longer have and don't know how to shake myself out of this feeling to be able to live in the moments that are passing me by.
Navigating this life going through a divorce has got to be the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life because of these two little kids. These days that come and make me feel defeated and worn down and lonely will literally rock you to your core and make you feel like you can't even get out of bed some days. I have longed for the life I have often seen on the Instagram posts or the facebook feed of the happy families and the pretty things. I have created an image in my head of what I think the “perfect” life and family is and it's becoming more and more clear to me that that “perfect” may just not exist in real life and only in our news feeds. The problem is I know I'm not the only one who is seeing these images of the perfect life and expecting the same thing. I can remember being a kid and never knowing what anyone did on Mother’s day or what gifts were opened on Christmas? I never had my birthday tribute posted for 898 people to see on facebook and wish me a happy birthday. Then go back and look and see who did and who didn't and spend a moment or even longer of my day wondering why they didn't.
We are living in a world where we are living for the next post and hoping that what we are gifted the right thing and the moment is just right so that we can show the world that we were not forgotten on Mothers Day or any other holiday for that matter. What we forget is that there are people out there who don't feel like they have a post worthy day and the day was hard and long and did not live up to their expectations whatsoever. They cried, they wished for life to be different and they felt defeated.
I am not saying you do not deserve to post your happy days and your beautiful beautiful gifts and absolutely stunning families. Because you do deserve all of that. Write the tribute to your kids and don't feel sorry for it and read all those happy birthday wishes on your special day. Just don't forget to be real. Airing your dirty laundry out is not what I'm suggesting either but just be real and don't paint the picture that is in fact untrue. Try not to live behind the lense and show the world something that in fact is not as it seems to be. Celebrate the day after your hard days and reflect with people on how you made it through because it's not easy walking alone sometimes and we all need to know that the hard days exist and that we can get through them together. Some of us celebrate holidays without our parents for years and some of us are doing it for the first time in our lives. Some of us have never had the “family” we see in the Facebook post and some of us still are longing for it each and every day. There are so many days that are hard and they dont look post worthy and that's okay. It's okay to have hard days because they lead us to the days that make us stronger and we appreciate the journey we took to get to where we are. I feel like I have had more hard days lately than post worthy days and I'm okay with it. I'm trying to focus on the reality of my life and the fact that everyday is never going to be perfect and it takes a lot of work to get to where you need to be. It's okay to take a day off, it's okay to walk for 8 miles with a friend and it's okay to get help to make you feel better. It's never okay to give up and it's not okay to compare your life to someone else's because I don't give a shit what any of you say you have bad days too, and it's okay.
Hard days are not forever but they will come your way and they will make you feel like you're defeated and some days they will make you feel like you can't even go on, but you can and you will. Hard days are sometimes full of crying and questions and feel like they are never going to end. It's all part of your journey and it's all going to be okay because sometimes life is just hard. Healing is hard. Healing after you lose someone you love, or after a marriage has failed and even living life without your family right up the road is hard. Life is hard and it helps us to grow and we all need to heal from things that have hurt us. I have numbed myself for years and given myself every excuse in the book to not feel emotions of sadness because I was a tough girl and independent and there wasn't much I couldn't get through, but today I was sad and today was hard. I am grateful for friends and for phone calls with my family and therapy sessions that could last 3 hours and even medications that help get you through tough times. No one gave us a book on how our life was going to be and how it was going to turn out. There is no preview to when the bad stuff or hard days are going to happen and all we can do is cry and let our hearts heal and get through to the next day and do whatever we need to do to wake up tomorrow.
The last few days my positive way of thinking was somewhere in a gutter and I didnt feel like I was ever going to get it back and I hate not feeling like myself. Tomorrow is a new day with new beginnings and chances to make things better. There are dates on the calendar to see my family and the future really is bright. It's okay to have hard days and it's okay to be sad sometimes. Like my friend Erin says, It's just a bad day, not a bad life.
“And sometimes, life is just hard, and some days are just rough...and sometimes you just gotta cry before you can move forward..(and all of that is ok)”
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