This job you took is not an easy job to have. From the second you decide it’s the job for you, you will feel a wave of emotions enter your body from the second you hear the news that you were picked for this position. You are going to have a lot of long nights, some with very little sleep and you won't always look your best. You will want to capture every moment but things will get in your way and make it difficult at times and you may feel defeated and like there isn't enough time in the day to complete your tasks. You will wonder each and every day if you are doing it right and if you gave it your all. There will be days filled with so much laughter and fun and days filled with tears and frustrations, wonders and doubts. You will never feel like you are good enough for this position and wonder how on earth YOU were picked for this job. Your job is being a Mother.
No one gives you a real handbook on how to be a mother. There are the books “What to Expect when Your Expecting” and sure it gives you a guideline as to what the hell is going on with your body when that little person begins to grow inside of you. Plenty of parenting books out there trust me, I know I own a few and am always looking for the next best one to get my hands on. None of them ever really prepare you for the life you will live from that moment forward when you become a Mother. The second the baby starts to grow inside you your whole world changes. There is food you can’t eat and drinks you can’t have. You have to be extra careful with your body because you are no longer just nourishing yourself but also a little version of you that grows inside of you. After the baby is on the outside your body goes to shit and you feel like you’re never going to be the same again. You sleep hardly ever, showers and clean clothes without breast milk are a thing of the past and diapers and bottles and all kinds of gadgets will fill you days. You will long for that quick trip to the grocery store without your baby and you will miss them the moment your car leaves the driveway. You will wish for that night out with friends and cut it short to get home to make sure you didn't miss anything while you were gone. The minute you become a Mom you stop thinking only for yourself. The minute you become a Mom, your entire world changes and will never be the same again.
Being a Mother has been the absolute most challenging days of my life. I have felt defeated, tired, not good enough and just all around like I am failing miserably and completely screwing up my kids. The to do list doesn't get any shorter, the dishes don't wash themselves and the clock will never stop ticking. The milestones will come and you will wish for more and yet you will want time to slow down and stand still so these little people never grow up and have to face this scary world that we live in. It is a roller coaster ride you will never get off of and it doesn't change with the age of you children, because once you're a Mother, you never stop worrying. Am I good enough? Did I handle that right? Did they eat enough vegetables today? Should I have let them watch less Tv? Did I play with my kids as much as I should? Did we read today? Are they safe? Are they happy? Do they act respectful when I'm not around? Are they making good choices? Did they make it home after a night with friends? Are they okay? Do they need me more? Do I need to let them live their life? Am I doing any of this right?
If you're a Mom and you're reading this you know damn well I could have listed a thousand more questions that go through our minds every single day. And though my children are small right now and there are so many huge questions I do not have to worry about, I know my Mom has worried about these things each and every day no matter how old I am. Once you’re a Mom, you never stop living and worrying for your babies.
Transitioning into a “single Mom” this past year has felt like a kick in the face of Motherhood for me. This is not anything I dreamt up or wished for. This is the hardest part I never ever imagined. The days were short when their Father and I lived under one roof and now they are even shorter because I have to share them on weekends. I don't get to wake up every single morning with them in the same house, I don't get to hug them and kiss them each and every night before bedtime. I have to listen to them say that they miss their Dad and wish they'd didn't have to live in a new house. On Sundays when they come back to me, I call it the "transition day." This day is hard. This day confuses them and makes them unsure of what emotion they are supposed to feel at this moment. They are happy to see their Mom, but also sad to leave their Dad. They are coming off a fun weekend and walking into the routine of the work week and daycare. A lot of the times I feel like I wear the mean Mommy hat. I am the parent who has to make sure we get to bed at an appropriate time to be awake for daycare and work. I am the house with rules and consistency. I am by no means saying that it’s a free for all at their fathers, I do not know what happens there because I am not there. This is just purely a feeling that I feel from time to time as the other parent. I think my children have adapted in a pretty great way considering a global pandemic was also taking place when I decide to leave their father but there was nothing in my wildest dreams that ever prepared me for this part of the job.
I don't like the messy house; I can’t stand going to bed with dishes in the sink and toys all over the floor. I like things to be just so, I am by no means a clean freak but I enjoy a tidy house and things to be picked up. I find myself preoccupied with dinner and not always having time to play and my list of things to do just growing and growing. From one motion to the next dinner, tubs, snacks, brush your teeth, go to bed. I feel like in these last few months I do more referring and starting timers for time out than I do anything fun most times. I plan adventures and take them places and some days I end up crying behind my sunglasses on the drive home because it was so hard and I'm outnumbered and I don't even know how I got to this point in my life. I am defeated. I worry that they have more fun with their Dad and that Moms house is just the house of rules and it's never fun and there are no camp outs in the living room. We sleep in our own beds here at mean Mom's house. I have to hear them ask why they have two separate homes and that they don't want to live here because they miss their old house at Dads. I question myself each and every single solitary day “Am I doing any of this right?”
I could go on and on about all the tough days I have had and dwell on the past and how I may not have handled a situation the way I should have but I am realizing more and more that I cannot change the past and I just have to make better choices and be more prepared for the future. Pack an extra pair of underwear, always have more snacks than you even need and don't have expectations that everyone is going to walk the entire hike or sit in their chair throughout lunch. There is going to be tantrums and melt downs and unexpected twist and turns each and every day. Somedays the dishes need to just sit in the sink a little longer and the toys on the floor aren't really hurting anybody and it’s okay that we skipped tubs tonight. Somedays being a Mom, you have to let go of all the things on your to do list, put the damn phone down and just sit with your kids and be their Mom.
If there is one thing that I have learned by being a Mother it is, build the village. Whether you are doing this whole Mom thing with your child's father/mother or doing it alone. Every single Mom needs her village. No one needs to walk the journey alone and no one needs to doubt themselves without someone there to tell them they have felt the exact same way. We are working a tough job and it is really lonely sometimes. No matter if you are a single Mom or not. I don't know what I would have done without the village that I have created since Motherhood. If I didn't have people in my life who make me feel like I am still kicking ass at the Mom job I don't know, maybe I would have quit by now. There are days I feel like I can't do this job anymore and maybe someone else would be better at it and I should have never been picked to be their Mom. It's freaking hard and when you're doing it as a single parent its hard and it's really lonely. That's why you build the village. Be the Mom who sends the loving eyes to the other Mom at the grocery store with the crying toddler. Be the Mom who takes the kids for an hour from the over worked Mom who just needs a quick break or the stay-at-home Mom who can't even remember what it’s like to go to the bathroom by herself anymore.
This job, being a Mother, has been the most rewarding and also most difficult job of my life. I struggle with letting go of the life I had before kids and adjusting to the life I have with kids. Somedays are hard and they are long and I long for the day that they go to their Dads and I get a break and have a minute to myself. Then the day comes and I spend this time trying to fill a void that is missing because they are gone. I wonder if every single action I do today is affecting their tomorrow. Am I doing any of this Mom business right?
The thing is, I know I am not alone. I know there are more Moms out there who struggle like me every single day and we still get up and we do it. We do it day after day because it’s our job. We do it whether there is someone on the couch to sigh with at the end of the day or if it’s just you and a glass of wine. We do it because it’s our job and we were chosen for the position. It was not a mistake or a mess up. We were picked to be their Mother by a much greater power than any of us even know, and we will keep showing up for work each and every day. No matter the challenge or the amount of defeat we may feel from time to time being a Moher is the most rewarding job any of us has ever had and nothing on this earth will ever compare to it. The questions will never stop going through our heads and the worry will never leave us no matter what the age. We have days when we feel like we are screwing them up and days when we think we could very well be raising the next world leader. There is no handbook, and we are going to cry behind our sunglasses from time to time. The thing we have to remember is these little people that call us Mom love us no matter what. No matter how hard the day was and how tired we are or how messy the house is they still love us. We were chosen for this job and we are kicking ass at it. We wake up every day and we put our best foot forward no matter what the day may bring. We still tuck them in at night and pray for a better tomorrow. We are never walking this journey alone and not one of us as a Mother should ever judge the other. We are in this role together and it takes a village to raise these little people. I am honored today and every day since the moment I was chosen to be a Mother. Most days I suck at the job and yell more than I should and need to learn to put my phone down more and just be more present but I am learning. Remember none of us really know what we are doing. Being a Mom is the toughest job any of us is ever going to have. It doesn't require a business suit or a college degree. Most days the job functions best in sweat pants, messy hair and little sleep.
To the Mom's out there who are struggling, transitioning, feeling defeated or excited and scared. Find your village. Be the Mom who smiles at the other Mom in the checkout line and don't ever feel like you are alone. You are fantastic. You are doing the best job. The pay some days doesn't ever seem comparable to the tasks but in the end, it is always worth the work. You were picked for the job, no one else will ever do it better than you and your kicking ass at it.
Comments