My entire life I knew I would be a Mom. From being little and playing house or being a teenager babysitting kids and later in my twenties loving up on all the kids my friends had before it was my turn to have my own. I just knew it would forever be my biggest accomplishment, my greatest goal would be met the day I became a Mom. Believe me it has definitely taken the cake as far as the best days of my life but holy hell I had no idea all the stress, headaches, lonely moments, wanna scream in a pillow, run away and never come back kind of days that would follow after becoming a Mom.
Being pregnant for my daughter was the most magical experience. I felt beautiful and full of life and just like I was this amazing being who was growing a human inside of her. Giving birth to her made me feel powerful. Yes contractions were awful and painful and the whole mess of a body you end up with after is never pretty but it was hands down the most powerful I have ever felt. The struggle with nursing an aggressive eater and the pain I went through because I refused to give up made for a lot of tears and hurdles after she was here but it still filled me with so much happiness. The newness started to wear a bit and I began to start feeling like I lost a bit of myself. I felt alone and her Dad worked long days and she cried A LOT. I remember trying so hard to get her to smile and laugh because I had watched different clips of friends who had just had babies and they were so happy and smiling and mine was just not at times. I had these days where I felt like she would cry so much that I felt like I wanted to get into my car and just drive away. Long sleepless nights where I would try this cry it out method as she got older to teach her some kind of “independence” as a small baby to self soothe which would literally just drive me to the point of insanity. I was the one who wasn't working and so I was the one who was on call 24/7. Her father was the “provider” so therefore he needed his sleep and I had to be the one who was handling the parenting of this new little being that would not sleep or take a bottle if I had pumped. Moments when I literally dreaded going into her room to pick her up from her crib because all I wanted to do was scream “Why are you not sleeping!” when I walked into the room to this little crying baby. I just wanted to sleep and be able to be a better Mom for her and yet I felt like I never had a minute to myself to even just catch my breath. There were hurdles in my relationship with her father that of course did not help this transition and days that he would come home and where I just needed a hug and maybe a moment alone to feel some kind of sanity but instead was left feeling like a failure for not being able to handle being a Mother. Feeling like a piece of shit because I wanted to send her back to the hospital and pick out a different one because this one was clearly unhappy and I couldn't figure her out.
Shortly after her first Birthday I found out I was pregnant with my son. My reaction, although excited, was also terrifying. I just started to gain some kind of a sleeping routine with her and now Im about to embark on another long road of sleepless nights. I had just reached my pre-baby weight and was feeling stronger and more put together at times. My second pregnancy was much harder than my first. I am not sure if it's because I was now pregnant with a boy or if it was that my body wasn't fully healed or my mind was still in postpartum depression mode. I felt like I wasn't as beautiful and suffered so much back pain from having a big belly and also carrying a one year old on my hip. I struggled with thinking I was ruining her life because I got pregnant so quickly after her that I wasn't giving her enough time to be my only baby and the emotions just flooded me day after day. When my little boy was born it was so different from the first. It was the middle of the night and when I went to the hospital I fought with their father the whole way because he didn't think I was actually going into labor and he was tired. My little girl was home with my Mom in safe hands but the first time I gave birth my Mom and my sister were by my side and it made all the difference. We got to the hospital and my wish bracelet for him fell off and I knew he was coming tonight. Few hours passed and after the nurse woke up their Dad from his nap my little boy was there. He was different from his sister. Sleepy, a little easier but still had these moments where he would be asleep and cry and at times I could not even get him to snap out of it. I never knew if he was in pain or dreaming or if something was wrong. Life became even crazier with two little ones. She loved her little brother and was a little Mama to him and when it was good it was so good. When it was bad it was the most stressful awful moment of my entire life.
A few years later I woke up and realized I was pretty much doing this parenting on my own. Yes their father was a huge help financially but he was tired and worked so much and he just didn't want to lead the same life I was looking for. I decided, after going a little wild and reckless, that it was time for me to be on my own and just do the parenting thing separately. I was now going to be a single divorced Mom of two. Now I was really on my own and it was much different than the alone I had felt before.
Fast forward to present day Mom life. They are 7 and 5. I am over 2 years into the single Mom of two life and some days I feel like I am soaring through life and others I feel like I am literally picking my beaten down self up off the ground for the tenth time in one day. Having a strong willed daughter who literally does not take no for an answer and instead uses it as a way to challenge me to get her way every chance she gets. Bed times that end in crying fits and fights between the two of them that make me think to myself “Why the hell did I even have kids?” On the tough days I think to myself, “ I can't wait for them to go to their Dads.” Then they go and I sit in an empty house and miss them so much my heart aches.
The world we live in now is so different and the shows on tv are different. The interests my 7 year old daughter has is so different from when I was little. Fake nails, wanting to wear make up or to make a tik tok with a sports bra on with her friends. Nothing at 7 that I ever even thought of. The tantrums when we don't get our way. When we need to run into Big Y to grab one thing and the moron who displayed the beanie babies in the aisles is trying to ruin the lives of parents who have to shop with their kids, it becomes a fight because we are not buying one ever when we go to the store. The simple things that have become so over complicated after becoming a Mom. Trying to do the “gentle parenting” approach when it is nearly impossible. There are days I feel like I am doing it all wrong and I feel like I am completely screwing up their lives and causing so much childhood trauma. I forget that I said no tv that morning after not doing what I asked and after school sitting in front of the tv seems so much easier than being the referee to their fighting. Wondering if raising them as a single mom is making them screwed up or making them see how independent you can be and that happiness is always the most important choice to make in your own life and that there is nothing you can not do if you put your mind to it.
My entire life I have known I would be a Mom. I knew I would have little people in my life to care for and do my best to guide them along the way. I never realized how hard it would be and how many times in a day I would want to give up. On days like that, amongst all the crazy in your life invite 6 more kids over and their Moms, make life a little crazier and the house even messier. Sit at a table and listen to the other women sitting at that table with you while their child is screaming or crying or clinging to their leg. While all the chaos around you is happening and you feel like you're ready to just give up, find yourself a group of Moms who are literally living the exact same life as you. Who have sat in their car and thought about driving away or wanted to scream into the pillow at bed time. These last few weeks being home with both kids have made me feel all of these things and have made me wonder so many times “Why did I want to be a Mom? It's so damn hard.” Some of us are very lucky to be parents with amazing spouses and I love that for my people and admire it every time I see it. I am beyond lucky to go on this long parenting journey with some of the best Moms by my side to remind me that no matter how hard it seems to be, we got this, and we are never alone. This Mom stuff is not for the faint of heart and it's real hard work and nothing has ever made me feel more insane and in control than a house full of kids and their Moms. I wouldn't trade any of the journey for where it's gotten me to today, and it's only just the beginning and I am terrified and excited to see what happens next. If you're reading this and don’t have a group of Moms that makes you feel like the chaos you live is normal. Let me know. We always have room for one more at the table.
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