I have not written a blog in 20 days. I started doing something I loved and then I pushed it aside and let other things in my life consume me, which is pretty common for me to do. I have laid in bed thinking about all the things I wanted to write but didn't actually get up and grab my laptop to start typing any of the thoughts and feelings going through my head. Honestly all it has done is make me anxious and feel like I was losing control of myself. Writing to me is therapeutic and has always been a good release for me in times of joy and times of worry and confusion. Today is the first day in probably the last few weeks I started to feel like I was gaining a little control over my life again.
I started a journey with my little babies over a year ago that was during a very scary time in the world and also in our new lives. It made me feel empowered and brave. It came pretty easy for a while and seemed to all be making sense. Life though as we know has this way of testing me and all my positive outlooks on life that I try to always have.
I had started a little business about 7 years ago making earrings and wish bracelets (check out my link to my Etsy store on the blog page) and had built file upon file of documents to use for all my card stocks that help me create my brand. I had worked so hard and became very successful with my side hustle. It has provided income for me in ways I never thought imaginable and had brought me so much happiness in times when I needed an escape from a life I was very unhappy in. A few weeks ago, I found out that all my hard work had been lost. Years of work that I had built to create this Emily Morris Designs was gone. I felt like I had lost a piece of me. I mourned this loss like I lost a loved one, it broke my heart and made me feel like it was gone forever. It's funny because when I started EM’s Design I didn't realize how much I was using it as an escape in my life until I had moved to our new house. I found myself caring about it less, putting it off and not working on it hardly at all. I wasn't trying to distract myself or use it as an escape anymore because I had already escaped from what I was running from. When I lost it all it brought back the feeling that I had lost and made me realize how much I loved it and as defeated as I felt made me feel even more compelled to recreate this business and not give up what I had worked so hard to build. It's been more time consuming and I have had to put more time into rebuilding what I lost but I feel like it's starting to come back to me in a new way that fits into my new life better. At the time I felt like it had been taken from me and as if I could never get it back but what was really happening was an opportunity for me to bring it back into my life and make it my own again without it feeling like an escape.
Shortly after the news of my laptop we found out that our sweet little home that we started our new life in was no longer going to be ours and soon would be the home for someone else. It was unsettling and scary and literally made me ill to think about what we would do next. I have been in situations in my life where I have had to journey out and find new places to live but this came a little sudden for me and with two babies by my side was not what I had in store for them. I have this perfect little image in my head of how I wish their life could be and it seems like it has just not been that “perfect” image from the get go but is what I am fighting for each and every day. I spiral, I run, I try to escape whatever is right in front of me because it seems too hard to grasp and I just want it to all go away. I forget how strong I am and how I have never given up on anything I truly believed in. I lose myself a little each time and forget to see the hidden agenda that lies beneath all the change and chaos. I'm grateful that I have people around me who are ALWAYS reminding me of who I am and never letting me forget it. As much as I didn't want to create so much change in their little lives for them this quickly it also makes me realize that I am raising strong little humans just like I am. Life is not easy and is full of challenges and instead of letting it defeat you we fight and we get what we want and we don't give up the fight.
I have learned so much about being a parent in the last year and that my feelings and energy project directly into their little bodies and they end up feeling exactly what I feel. My daughter was always anxious and nervous to leave my side and during this last year I have watched her blossom and become so strong and independent and BRAVE it has literally blown my mind. She has struggled in transitions and I haven't always been my best but when my energy is good and confident and happy, so is hers. She listens and watches everything I do and how I respond to everything because I am their teacher. I am teaching them how to respond to situations that life throws our way and I have never been more confident that these two are literally going to grow up to be such strong little kids because of all the choices I have made for them and myself.
When we moved from their home that their father and I created for them I did it very secretly to start. I didn't want to scare them or make them any more nervous than they already were. It was quick and sudden and what I thought was best at the time. Being a little over a year of living with them as a single Mom has made me realize how much of a team we are. We are in this together. As unsettling as the news was to have to move them again out of a home that I created for them it took me today to realize that this move we will truly do together as a team. We will all pack our boxes and say our goodbyes to the first home we started as a trio and prepare ourselves for what lies ahead. Obviously in a much more child related way for a 6 and 4 year old but it's honestly what is making me have a positive outlook on yet another stepping stone in our life. As much as I am here for them they are also there for me. We are in this together.
Today I hung up the doom and gloom hat and put on my happy hat and prepared myself for our next step. I am excited for new memories and look forward to reminiscing about the memories we made here together. Change is scary and I have felt that scary feeling for DAYS and have safely kept it to myself and not let them see it shine through. I am rebuilding something I worked so hard to recreate and not letting a computer mishap take from me what was once so special. The lesson I want my children to learn about change is not the one I have associated so frequently with it of being scary but about how it helps us grow. Every change that we make is shaping us to who we are supposed to be.
Our little home we made last year was not meant for us long term and was just a stepping stone for us. The next stop is going to be a home where we will host Christmas with our family that we have missed the past year and have our cousins come for sleepovers. It will help me to be more organized in a business that I love so much and open up my creativity to keep it going. Our next home made me already see a little glimpse into the future and I really liked what I could see.
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