Relationships are funny. Now a days I feel like they are very underappreciated and disposable. Ever since I was a little girl I always dreamt of my happily ever after. I wanted to be in love and be with someone who set my soul on fire. Someone who was fun and silly and the life of the party. I wanted a sweet personality and someone who would rub my feet at the end of each day sitting on the couch. A true gentleman that my Dad would love to talk to and my Mom would want to take care of. I wouldn’t say that I never found that in relationships, they all have had those characteristic at one point or another but it was never consistent. I realized just recently that you attract what you project. Sure, I have heard that before but I guess I never really thought about it in full context. I had the high school boyfriend with the crazy hair and “I don’t give a fuck” attitude who was always in trouble. The big teddy bear who put me on a pedestal and would have done anything for his “hunnie bunne.” The one I chose to marry who told me all the right things and promised to make all my dreams come true, and at that time, he did. They all had very similar qualities too, and I'm not going to name all the things they did wrong or why the relationships didn’t last because the blame is defiantly not entirely on them. The problem was, I still had no idea what I even wanted out of another person. I am embarrassed to admit that because I am getting a divorce and that is something I never in my life thought I would ever do. I believe in the happy ending. I believe in marriage and forever but I also believe in myself.
People look at relationships in all different ways, there are some that worship them and will do anything to help them grow. Some that stay just to keep up with appearances. The ones that feel trapped and like they have no way out, so they just stay. The one that you feel hopeful for but the other person is completely checked out. I think I have been in every one of those situations at one time or another and thinking back no matter which situation I was currently dealing with, the most important thing that needed to matter most was if I was okay.
The healthiest relationships bloom from loving yourself. Knowing what you are worth. Setting the bar high, not because you think your better but because you know what you’re looking for. Does anyone ever know really what they are looking for if they spend half their life in a relationship and never really discovering what makes you, you?
April 15th made one year that I have been single. I say single but I guess separated is the politically correct term. I am still legally married to my husband but for the last year I have been living by myself with my kids and not in a relationship. For a whole year. I’m 35 and I have literally spent close to 17 years of my life in relationships. I could sit here and talk about regret and how I can’t believe I wasted all that time of my young life in these dead-end relationships when I could have been living and experiencing other things in my life, but I won’t. I am 35 and I am getting a do over. I definitely come along with a little bit more baggage these days than I did at 22 but so what, who doesn’t? In this past year I have had a whirl wind of emotions. Did I do the right thing? Do I really want to do this alone? Am I ever going to find anyone? Is everyone just looking for hook ups and just using me? Is anyone ever going to love me again? It sounds tragic I know, one whole solid year with no relationship, boo hoo poor Emily. The emotions came because it’s natural, and anyone in my shoes has felt the same feelings. I could walk around and say things like “I’m never going to be in a relationship again they are all a waste of time.” but I’d be lying. I like to act tough and say things like that when I’m feeling down but it’s a total bunch of bull shit. The difference that this past year has made on me is that well obviously I’m older and wiser than I ever was being single in the past but now, I’m a Mom.
I am a Mom. I have two kids who to some may look like baggage but what they really are, are game changers. They changed the game of life for me. I now am responsible for raising and showing two little people what a normal happy relationship can be. I want them to learn what Love really is. A lot of the mistakes we make in life is learned behavior. We grow up in the house with the parents that fight and we learn to fight back. Some have the parents who run, and we learn to run. I know that no relationship is perfect I am not in a fantasy world by any means but I do know that there are some damn good people out there in healthy relationships. I remember the day it hit me. My daughter was maybe 3 my son was 1 and their father and I would just fight and say the nastiest things to each other. Break each other down, belittle each other and say the things that really hurt the most. Life with kids is stressful, it happens. For me however, I looked at my daughter and couldn’t help but wonder. Is she going to learn that this is what love is? Is she going to marry a man some day and they will fight and just bring out the absolute worse in each other? Is my son going to grow up and not appreciate the other person in his life and repeat the same things he sees happen growing up in this house? Will they learn the behaviors of their parents and repeat it in their future lives?
Did I sit there and think that my ex-husband was just a piece of shit ass hole? Ya maybe a time or two but this past year and even before that made me realize, we just weren’t the ones for each other. We needed each other when we found each other and our children were meant to be here. We are not the ones who are going to show them what love is by staying married to one another, it just became too toxic. I don’t know that I would have figured this out if it wasn’t for my children. Their future felt like it was in the palm of my hands. In this moment, I’m sure they feel like their family was torn apart and they hate having to have their parents in separate houses and not having them together but time heals all things.
Being a mom has made me look so much deeper into relationships and myself. I am done settling for just anyone who comes my way and I will definitely never allow any toxic relationships into my life ever again. In a way them being in my life, has helped me to discover who I really am and what I’m really looking for in another person. Everything takes time and work; everyone needs time to themselves to grow into the person that they will one day be able to share with someone else.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is. I am grateful. I am grateful for the past relationships that I have had, even in their worst moments, I am thankful for my children and the lessons that they have taught me about myself and I am fortunate enough to be given this time to get to know myself better and be able to discover what makes me, me.
Every situation that comes our way throughout life is an opportunity. No amount of "failure" can defeat us if we don't let it. Divorce is not a failure, it’s an opportunity to recreate yourself and to finally take back what you lost or maybe what you never even really found. Marriage is sacred and should be treated just that way but sometimes it just doesn't work out and your own happiness and the happiness of the other person is at risk. Some relationships can be fixed and others can't, and it’s no one’s place to decide which ones can and can't be mended. We are in charge of our happiness.
I chose my own happiness and the future happiness of my children. I do not hate my ex-husband and I don't think he is a bad guy. I think he has all the capabilities to make someone else really happy and show them real true honest love in his future. I honestly can't wait for that day to happen, for both of us to be truly happy and in love. Some may look at a torn family as a mess and so dysfunctional and just not "normal." To me, the way I see it, my kids are going to one day have 4 parents who love them, and that to me is pretty fricking fantastic.
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