New things are scary. Like make your knees shake, pit in your stomach gotta run to the bathroom, kind of scary. An instant reaction to something new is being nervous and unsure of how the outcome is going to be. A new job with new people to meet, going out on your first date, starting your own business or making that big move. The first thing we think about when we are about to start something new is how it's going to make us feel.
Feeling an emotional response to something can sometimes be difficult or you just may not want to have to feel it at that given moment. I think a lot of time we check out of ourselves and forget to just feel what we are feeling about something that's happening in our life. We distract ourselves with our phones or play dates and dinner dates so we don't have to actually ever just sit with ourselves and feel the emotion our body is trying to process. New changes in your life no matter what they may be are huge turning points and full of tons of emotions and opportunities.
Launching this blog and sharing things with friends, and strangers is extremely scary and new for me. Don't get me wrong, if you know me you know I'm pretty much an open book and I share whatever but now we are talking anyone with a smart device can read what I'm typing. The thing is when I was building this blog and gathering some material to share, I never felt nervous or scared, I only felt excited. I was so confident in the process, it felt freeing. Then I hit that publish button and shared with my Instagram feed and I immediately started to feel my knees get weak. Not in a bad way, but just in a "wow that just happened" kind of way. Fear of other people's opinions or my grammar not being the best and other people's views from my story filled me with fear of rejection. I had almost forgotten why I wanted to do it in the first place. Thankfully that didn't last for long and here I am writing again already eager to share more.
Sometimes we take risks in our life and can feel several different emotions and not one emotion is ever felt for more than 20 minutes at a time. It's a roller coaster ride and you hardly even feel like you're buckled in. I never really thought of myself as a risk taker, but a lot of people in my life this past year have told me that I'm brave. Me? Brave? Maybe bold and outspoken at times but I didn't ever feel brave. The thing is the more I heard people say it, it made me realize that I am brave. I made a lot of changes in my life in the last year and to some they may seem minuscule but for me I've had a hell of a year.
The definition of brave in the dictionary reads: Brave- ready to face and endure danger or pain, showing courage. I was by no means in any danger this past year but I did face pain and had to make my best effort to show courage. I was brave, they were right. There were moments I felt completely defeated. Two little kids, the start of a new life in a new house, a new way of living for my two young kids, pandemic and face masks aside, it was scary. We all have had a hell of a year. Relationships have ended, some have blossomed, jobs were lost, jobs were changed, babies were born and I think a lot of babies were made. People have been stuck in their houses for months and have either gone bat shit crazy or have started a new hobby and turned it into a side hustle. No matter what the change is, whether it feels good or bad, when you go through with doing it, it makes you brave.
Something I hadn't heard from my friends for a little while was that I seemed "happy." Yes, I was brave, I made the big decisions and took the big risk. But it took some time until the "Well you're happy though" turned into "You look so happy." It’s something new I have been hearing, and I like it. I'm starting to actually really feel it too. I am not happy because I have a new job or a new boyfriend to date. I am happy because I am starting to find contentment with myself. I am the girl who hates to be alone, who doesn't like to sit with herself and wants to always be entertained or chatting with someone.
The definition of happy in the dictionary reads: Happy- as feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Learning to sit with myself and feel comfortable with my own company is something I have struggled with for a long time and at 35 I'm finally starting to feel content. The definition of content in the dictionary reads: Content-in a state of peaceful happiness.
In a state of peaceful happiness. Just reading that makes me want it more and more. I don't think it means that we stop evolving but that we just find what gives us peace and just keep letting it grow. I am finding my peace in writing. I have known for a while that this would bring me peace but sometimes it just doesn’t feel obtainable. There is something about putting my words on paper or typing my thoughts that is making me just feel lighter and more at peace with myself. It almost feels like I’m getting to know myself better.
If this year has taught me anything it is to do whatever it takes to get your happiness. Even if it feels scary. Take the trip, talk to the guy, launch the clothing line, start the blog or make the big move. And if it isn't something within reach and easily obtainable because I get it, I had a timeline and a goal too. But set a date. Make a vision and make a pact, with yourself or with your friends. We are all here on this earth with purpose and only we know what that purpose is. No one can tell us otherwise and if it sets your soul on fire and gives you happiness, then you do it. Change and risks are scary but the thrilling part is, who knows where they could lead us? The next step you make in your life could be the kick off to your future of happiness and contentment. First you must be brave, and then you will be happy and there is nothing more beautiful to wear than a smile.
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