When I look back on the last 36 years of my life I can't help but wonder, what went wrong? What message along the way was I not understanding and what clear signs did I not see with my own eyes. I have always loved so deeply to others and given myself fully to the ones I care for the most. I have forgiven and asked to be forgiven in relationships time and time again because I believe so much in second chances and that people can change. I think we all are learning as we go and that along the way we do things that are out of character and aren't a true reflection of who we really are. Unfortunately for me, it seems that some incidents keep repeating and that the second chances just don't get to be had because my own happiness is at stake.
I have always thought of myself as a fairly confident individual. Independent, no need to have someone to take care of me and always believe that I am capable of doing anything I set my heart on. I trust people and let them in and give them the true version of me without any misconception. This is me, I am not pretending to be anyone I am not. I expect the same from the people that I welcome into my life.
There have been many moments in my life where I have wondered, who is this girl? What is she doing? Why is she surrounding herself in these situations that do not make her happy? Why is she sacrificing her own happiness for the happiness of someone else? Why is who I am as a person not good enough? Why are my words not being heard? Why am I not being respected? Luckily these moments have come into my life and been the push I needed to continue on the path that I have set out for myself and take control of my life and get back what I was letting slip away. We all have moments of weakness and it's so very easy to get caught up in the life or patterns of someone else. Recognizing it for some is hard and takes time but once you do this it is truly a moment of clarity and your power is restored in yourself.
Being a Mother has sped up these moments for me of realizing that things or people in my life are not right for me. Knowing when to say enough is enough was once a long trial of do overs and took sometimes years for me to see that the path I was on was not the right one. Being a role model for your children and keeping them safe and happy is the most important job. Being a Mother knowing that someday in their lives they too will have to make tough decisions that will take time for them to see that the path they are on is not the right one. Knowing that I too will get phone calls of sadness, confusion, frustration and anger from them when they are put in these situations is something that has constantly been on my mind over the years because my Mother has received more calls than I'm sure she was prepared to handle.
I am a firm believer that everything that happens in this life is for a bigger purpose. Every bump in the road, every failed relationship, every lost friendship or tragedy is meant to be a lesson in your life on your journey to self discovery. I think I once was a person who didn't have this mindet and it made the bumps in the road seem like mountains to get over. Life lessons that seemed to cripple me and make me feel incapable of ever having the life I had dreamed I would have. The day my children were born and I became their Mother all that changed for me. It set something inside me on fire and made me see who I was and that no situation big or small would ever stop me from moving forward and having the life I always dreamed I would have for them and I.
I look back on my 36 years of my life, and often think about what went wrong but it's only for a brief minute. It's a moment of weakness that I let creep in and it happens to us all. When that moment has passed and I shake that feeling I look back at my 36 years of life and think of how strong I am. I think of where I was and where I am now and it brings me so much clarity. I think of what I have seen, done, lived through, gotten away from and learned from and it makes me see that it was all for the bigger purpose. I am who I am because of the last 36 years of my life. The place I thought I'd be in at this point of my life is not what the 18 year old me would have pictured or even the 26 year old me had pictured, honestly I think it's better. I don’t forget what I've been through or who has hurt me, I cherish the moments that made me smile in times I didn't think I could. I am grateful for everything I have lived through and learned along the way because I can't imagine being the girl I once was who didn't feel like she would ever get over the mountain that was only a bump in the road.
Knowing how to catch yourself when you fall and pick yourself back up and put one foot in front of the other is a clear sign that you are on the right path for yourself. Having your own back and protecting your own energy and the energy around you, knowing when to walk away and take control of a situation is a gift. My life today is exactly where I want it to be. I am thankful God has blessed me with the gift of Motherhood and that two little people have given me more confidence and more strength that I ever knew I could have. When I look back on the 36 years of my life, I can't help but wonder, how did I get so lucky to be where I am today. -Xo
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